Parenting During a Crisis, Part 1

By Katie Stahler, Psy. D.

I imagined a lot of possible ways to open my blog. But never once did I imagine writing about parenting in a global pandemic, let alone starting the whole thing off with this. But here we are.

First of all, let me introduce myself. I’m Katie. I’m a licensed psychologist and therapist who offers treatment to children, adolescents and adults in the Pittsburgh area. But for the sake of this post, and honestly more importantly, I am a mother of two young children and I’m scrambling. It’s from that perspective that I am writing today.

Everything going on in the world right now is scary. Since we have never faced a situation like this on such a scale before, everyone is just scrambling on what’s next. Things are changing. Things are uncertain. It feels overwhelming. It honestly is overwhelming. I’m feeling it too.

So, what do you do when everything starts closing? How do you parent your children when you’re stuck in the house all day and are also suddenly responsible for their education? How do you address their concerns when you are still trying to wrap your head around your own?

First of all, take a deep breath. We are all in this together. Everyone is scrambling. Everyone is stressed. Everyone is working hard to figure this out. So stop running through all of the things you have to do and breathe. Breathe for as long as you need to start feeling again.

I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers here, but I do have some advantages when it comes to dealing with some of the parenting logistics given my work and training. In situations like this, it can be hard to figure out where to start. My recommendation is to start with yourself. This post will talk about things that you yourself can do to deal with everything going on. Then, in the next couple posts, I’ll share what to do about the little people living with you. These are just some suggestions that have been helpful for me and my family. Take what works for you and leave the rest. No judgment here!

Take care of yourself.

I’m starting with the hardest – but absolutely the most important – thing. I think it would be difficult to not be feeling things right now, and there is so much that is uncertain. It’s in our nature to focus on all the things we need to do to make sure our kids have what they need. That is important, but you cannot take care of anyone else unless you are caring for yourself first. As cliché as it sounds, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so take some time to do something for you. Trust me, your kids will still have their list of demands after you take the extra 10 minutes to do a face mask. Do something for yourself. Make sure it’s intentionally for you, and do it every day.

Adjust your consumption.

People are freaking out. Everything is closing. There is no toilet paper. This is a scary time. Even so, you do not need to watch the news around the clock or read every commentary on social media to stay informed. I think it is important to know what is going on, obviously; however, you do not need to be exposed to it all the time. Check in to see what is happening, but turn it off when it gets overwhelming. You can always check again later. It’s totally fine to take media breaks.

Focus on “is” instead of “if.”

One of my favorite meditations is shifting focus from “what if” to “what is.” I can’t remember where I initially learned this or who to credit, so if it’s you and you’re reading this – let me know and I’ll shout you out! The idea here is that anxiety exists in the “what if”s – meaning that you can easily get lost in scare possibilities. What if school never opens again? Yikes! What if I get the virus? Ah! What if I don’t get all of my work done at home? O.M.G. This can spiral out of control really easily, so instead of the “if”s, focus on what is.

My kids are home with me right now. I am in good health right now. I am doing what I can for work. That is what is.

Doesn’t that feel better? Any time you notice yourself going down the path of “if”s, just do a quick shift in your mind to focus on what is right now. It feels better and helps you focus on the only moment in time that matters right now … this one. This is really hard to do when you’re worrying, but it gets much easier with practice. Just take it moment by moment, day by day, for now.

Find joy.

Nobody asked for the coronavirus. There are a lot of things that are really inconvenient about what is happening. Even so, focusing on the little things that make you happy can go a long way in changing your mindset. What we focus on tends to grow, so if you’re focused on fear and anxiety … surprise! You’ll see it everywhere. If you focus on joyful moments, you’ll notice that there are lots of those too.

Reach out.

With social distancing, it feels like we are in this alone. But the irony of that is that everyone feels alone. There are a lot of things about social media that I don’t like; however, the option to stay connected to others is really cool. FaceTime with a friend or family member. Share memes with other parents you know in a group chat. Text your partner when your kids are doing something ridiculous. This whole situation is kind of nuts, and there are lots of people out there who feel exactly like you do. Find them!

Get help.

Aside from all the normal anxiety and restlessness people are feeling, it is possible that being stuck at home can cause symptoms of existing mental health conditions to intensify or new issues to pop up. If you are already in treatment with someone, see if they offer alternative methods for therapy, such as teletherapy or phone calls. If you are finding that you are struggling right now and you don’t have anyone to talk to, schedule an appointment with me. I do teletherapy and will even do phone calls during this crisis. If insurance is an issue, contact me anyway. We’ll figure something out. I don’t want anyone feeling as though they are stuck in this without options and want to help where I can. I’m also working on rolling out a virtual group experience for parents who are suddenly at home with their kids – so stay tuned for that!

I hope that you found some comfort here. This is a tough time … but you can do this. We can do this.