Parenting During a Crisis, Part 3

By Katie Stahler, Psy. D.

I hope that you all are holding up during this ridiculous, unprecedented time. Things are stressful, scary and uncertain. I find that all of this is difficult enough to manage as an adult … so how could a child possibly understand what is going on? How much should you share about COVID-19? What is the best way to talk to kids about this?

Ultimately, only you can decide how best to approach this with your children; however, I want to offer some suggestions on talking about challenging things with your family. I encourage you to consider the following, take what works and leave the rest.

Stay calm.

In times that are uncertain, our kids look to us for guidance. They are going to follow your lead. If you are stressed (of course you are!), scared or panicking, they are going to pick up on those cues. I’m not suggesting that you have to be totally fine with all of this, of course not — but you do need to keep your own emotions under control when you are talking to or interacting with your children. I think being honest about your feelings is important, so it is totally fine to say, “This is stressful for me,” or “I’m bored being stuck in the house too,” — but remember that your kids need you to lead them, so keep it simple.

Talk about your feelings.

Much like I mentioned above, it is absolutely fine – and honestly encouraged – to talk to your kids about how you are feeling during this time. When it comes to emotions, it can feel overwhelming. Especially for kids, it can feel as though they are the only ones feeling this way. You can show them that they are not alone by talking about your own feelings during this time. Model how to express how you feel by talking about how you feel. This can be about big things (“Watching too much news scares me,” or little things (“I am so excited that we are eating tacos tonight”). This sounds really simple (and it is), but using emotion language in your home and showing kids how to do it can make it easier for them to talk about their feelings.

Use clear, concise language.

Depending on how old your kids are, this will vary – but it is important to keep things short, simple and clear. Use language that your kids will understand when talking about everything going on right now. Even your older kids do not need to know everything that is going on. I suggest using the fewest, clearest words possible to explain what is going on. My kids are 6 and 4. This is how we first explained what happening right now and why we are all home:

There is a new virus going around right now that is making people sick. Since it’s new, doctors and scientists were working on finding a way to make people who get it better, so they are asking us to stay home right now to give them time to do that. The virus spreads when people cough or sneeze, so it’s important to catch your coughs and sneezes in your elbow or a tissue and wash your hands a lot.

That’s it. That’s all we said at first and left it at that. If your kids are older, you may need to get into it or explain the social distancing aspect a little more in depth, but a really simple explanation will do.

Answer questions.

When you first talk about something hard, absolutely keep it simple. That being said, your kids are definitely going to have questions. You can and should answer them! But keep it on their level. They don’t need to know everything that is going on right now ,but I think it’s important to share what they can know when they ask. Only you can decide what is best for your child and how much they should know.

Also, if they ask a question that you don’t know the answer to, it’s okay to tell them that. When my kids ask me a question I can’t answer, I tell them that I’m not sure but I’m wondering about it too. If it’s something I can find out, I tell them that I don’t know but can find out. I think it’s really important for kids to see that adults don’t always know the answer to everything. It’s also an opportunity to model problem solving!

Redirect excessive worry or anxiety.

Things are scary right now, and there are a lot of reasons to be anxious. That being said, it is not helpful for your child to get overly scared or anxious. If you notice that they are experiencing a lot of fear in a given moment, you can 1) label it, 2) empathize and 3) redirect. This looks like: “I can see that you are really scared about Grandma getting sick. I understand that and I know that this is a really scary thing. But being scared isn’t going to help us or Grandma, so let’s find something else to do. What can we do right now to feel better?” Then redirect to other options. When my kids are anxious about something, they often like an action — like a FaceTime call with Grandma, making art for her, or doing something physical. It’s great if your child can come up with an alternative on their own, but you can make suggestions if they can’t do that yet.

Make the abstract more concrete.

One of the things that makes a crisis so uncomfortable for people is that everything happening right now is abstract – meaning it’s not something tangible. Kids and teens (and some adults!) do not have the full capacity to think in abstraction. This is a skill that develops over time, so try making things a little more concrete. Instead of saying “social distancing” you could say “staying as far away from another person as if Dad were taking a nap between you and them.”

Find other things to talk about.

This one is hard. Everyone is stuck at home, and it seems like there is not much else going on. I get that, but make sure you aren’t only talking about COVID-19 or being bored at home or distance learning. Our family likes to talk about our favorite things — each person picks a category (e.g. sport, food, candy, superhero) and then we go around talking about that thing. We also talk about “at least one good thing” each day to practice gratitude in a child-friendly way. But you can talk about anything! You can have your kids teach you something you don’t know or explain something they want to do when they grow up. It doesn’t matter — just find something else to talk about some of the time!

Hang in there. I know this is hard. If you have any questions about any of this or want some more specific suggestions, feel free to reach out. I’ve never parented in a pandemic before – but I’m a big lover of feelings and talking about them. We’ve got this. Stay safe, stay sane, and stay home!