Parenting During A Crisis, Part 2
Parenting During a Crisis, Part 2
As we navigate the new normal amongst COVID-19, I think it’s important to find a way to structure the day. Many of us parents are suddenly in the position of teacher, and rather unexpectedly. As I mentioned in my first post, I am writing to you parent-to-parent, since I too am trying to figure out how best to make this work.
The following considerations are things that we have been trying in our home. Not every suggestion is going to work for every family, so I encourage you to use what sounds doable for you right now and leave the rest. You can always come back to this list later and add on or adjust what you are doing.
This is survival.
Remember that we are in uncharted territory. If your tendency is to like order and a plan, this is going to be really difficult for you. All of this happened very quickly, and we don’t have a timeframe for how long things will last.
Uncertainty is uncomfortable.
Things that are happening in the world are scary.
It is okay to not have everything figured out right now.
The goal is not perfection; the goal is survival. We need to get through this right now. What does this look like day to day? It looks like your kid being on screens a little longer than you want them to be so you can take a call or make dinner. It looks like doing homework in crayon when you can’t find an actual pencil in your house. It looks like breaks, extra television, and popcorn for breakfast. Let yourself off the hook while you figure out the plan. Give yourself some grace when your plan suddenly changes. Be ready to adjust and let some little things go. In the grand scheme of things, it really is okay.
Have expectations.
During this time of uncertainty, it is important to have some things that are consistent. These expectations are going to vary from family to family, but should be set up ahead of time and considered non-negotiable. This could include waking up by a certain time and getting dressed for the day. Depending on the ages of your kids and their specific tendencies, you may find that they need to complete one household chore per day or spend 30 minutes doing some kind of exercise. These are different than a set schedule because these are regularly scheduled, non-negotiable things that help make this unusual time feel a little more normal. Everyone does better when they know what to expect, so even though it’s simple, the act of getting dressed in the morning is symbolic of starting your day. In our house, our kids need to change their clothes (my daughter has been using this time to explore fashion and costumes), make their bed (usually poorly), and have breakfast at an actual (not coffee) table. Those are the same every school day. On the weekend, they are allowed to eat breakfast in front of the TV and stay in their pajamas if they choose. You don’t have to do the exact same thing, but this is just an example of what we are doing to set an expectation and differentiate weekdays from weekends.
Set some structure.
There are a lot of things that are challenging about suddenly having to stay home all the time with your kids, obviously. Perhaps one of the biggest things is the lack of structure and a feeling of normalcy. There are very few people who can actually operate well in a completely unstructured environment. So, what can help right now is setting up some kind of structure or daily schedule. I’m not proposing that every minute of every day is scheduled. That would be impossible to maintain while coping with everything else.
That being said, your days may go smoother if you have a general set time that kids wake up, eat meals, play, do school, and go to bed. I don’t think that these need to be rock solid or even the same each day, but guidelines can help everyone. People feel more comfortable when they know generally what to expect … and you can set this up ahead of time to make everyone feel a bit better. When people are feeling better, they behave better.
While the general and flexible schedule works for most, there are kids who need more. If you have a kid like this, you absolutely know what I’m talking about. For these families, this hard time is probably feeling even more challenging and it may benefit you to be a little bit more structured than what I described above. I typically suggest that this is still more general and less time contingent (e.g. lunch happens after playing Legos instead of at noon), since things might change. Aside from helping to prevent a meltdown if there’s a change, this kind of scheduling also helps kids work towards accepting ambiguity within a relatively safe, structured environment. If your kid insists on having a time for things, I like to give them that but with a disclaimer in the schedule that times are subject to change. This may still be hard to accept — but at least you are preparing them for a possible change ahead of time. This is a particular specialty of mine, so if you feel like you need more support on setting up some structure, feel free to reach out and we can chat about other ways to maybe help.
Do something fun.
I know, I know. This is hard to even think about right now, but hear me out. It is important for you and your kids to do something that you enjoy. If you are like us and enjoy going out and about, this may look different for you right now with social distancing. But, you can still do something each day that your kids will find fun. Maybe you let them throw down blankets and pillows to watch a movie in the living room. Maybe you let them write letters in shaving cream. Maybe you have dessert for dinner. It really doesn’t matter what you decide to do; it just matters that you make a point to find something fun to do together. There are tons of ideas online for this.
Remember, kids don’t need something elaborate – keep it simple. Little moments of joy are going to make all of the difference here! Share any fun ideas you’ve had in the comments section below. We’re all in this together!
Let some things go.
As I mentioned above, we are in a crisis right now, so things are not going to be perfect. Don’t worry if you aren’t spending six hours each day doing school. Don’t stress if your kid isn’t eating perfectly balanced meals. In a situation like this, where the collective stress level is so high, it is completely normal to let some things go. Now is not the time to push new academic or other skills. If you can do some school to keep skills maintained and structure the day, awesome. If you can’t, that’s fine, too. Along the same lines, you may notice that your child is having some more behavioral or emotional issues. That is expected! Check in with them often, keep things as structured as is reasonable for your family, do something fun, and relax. It’s okay that they aren’t totally themselves right now. They are probably feeling their own feelings and figuring things out in their own way. This is a process. Pick what is most important to you — for us, we are really focusing on kindness this week — and let the other little things go. This is not going to last forever. Our kids are insanely resilient; they’ll pick up anything they lost during this time and come out on the other end even stronger. It’s okay to pick and choose your battles. In fact, that is absolutely what you should be doing right now.
Again, I hope that this offers you a few practical solutions to managing yourself and your family at home. Don’t panic if you aren’t doing these things or feel like you can’t do them. Take what works for you and try that. If it doesn’t work? You’re not doing it wrong – it’s not something you can do in this moment. And that’s okay. As always, I’m here to chat if you need me. We’re all in this together!
