Feelings … (Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings)

By Katie Stahler, Psy. D.

As we continue to navigate this new remote, touch-free world, there is so much that we still don’t know.

How much longer is this going to go on?

What will things look like on the other end?

What kind of person will I be on the other side of this?

These things are uncomfortable and uncertain. We’ve collectively never done anything like this before.

So, I just wanted to write a quick note about feelings and clear up some misconceptions. I know, I know … nobody ever wants to talk about feelings. I get that, but we do all have them, so we may as well try to be clearer about them.

First of all: The way you feel is the way you feel. Period. There is no right or wrong way to have feelings. I know, we were all raised to be happy, little humans and we want to raise happy, little humans … but no. We all feel a wide range of feelings and they all serve a purpose. Stop trying to force your way into a feeling that you think is better than another.

Second: Feel what you feel and give it a name. This sounds ridiculous, but think about it. Do you actually know how you are feeling most of the time? Sure, the big ones — I’m happy, I’m mad — I’m happy, I’m mad. But what about those sneakier, subtler ones? Do you know when you are embarrassed? Can you recognize feeling guilty? Is it possible that you look angry but you’re actually scared? Take a moment to notice what feeling you are having and try to give it a name.

Acknowledge how you feel. Feelings, just like all of us, sometimes need a little validation. We all want to be seen.

So the best way to handle a feeling, particularly a stronger, perhaps more uncomfortable one, is to see it. You can do this by labeling it, by looking into why you feel that way. You can do this by taking a breath and just saying what it is – as an example, “This is frustration,” or, “This is overwhelmedness.”

Finally, as I mentioned before, there are no wrong or “bad” feelings … but our reactions can be. The reason it is so important to know and understand your feelings is so that you can reclaim control over your reactions. By doing this, you are essentially saying, “I see you there, fear, but you are not in control right now.” Then you have more power to react in a way that you would like to rather than how you might feel you should be reacting. The problem is never with the feeling itself, but rather the way we opt to handle it.

One of my favorite resources for feelings that I use both in my practice and my own personal work is the Emotion Wheel from Gloria Willcox’s 1982 work “The Feeling Wheel: A Tool for Expanding Awareness of Emotions and Increasing Spontaneity and Intimacy.”

You can use it either direction – starting in the middle and working your way out, or starting on the outside and working your way in. This works great for individuals with a fairly developed understanding of basic emotions, so typically adults and some teenagers. For younger kids and less emotionally adept teenagers, I like using picture books. There are so many good ones, but my absolute favorite is The Emotes BIG Book Of Feelings by Matt Casper.

I hope this helps. Go onward; feel your feelings!